Sue adopted James* when he was just two and a half. He had experienced severe trauma in his short life but from the moment Sue met James, she knew he was her son.
James settled into life with his new family, with two doting parents and a sister who adored him.
Looking back Sue realises that there were some behavioural patterns that James’ was presenting, but these were put down to his previous trauma and settling into his new life. It was only when James started senior school that some key signs were spotted eventually which led to his diagnosis of ADHD and Oppositional Defiance Behaviour (ODD).
James is now homeschooled which Sue says has been an absolute game-changer. Here, Sue shares the story of their journey together:
When did you first suspect signs of ADHD and ODD in James?
Initially we assumed that his behavioural challenges stemmed from his previous trauma. James hadn’t been in a nice environment as a baby. At school he was a bright and friendly child who seemed to work well and get on with everyone. In year 4 we noticed he was struggling and he was then diagnosed with dyslexia. He had a plan put in place and the support he needed was provided by the school.
He moved to senior school during COVID year so that was a challenge in itself. But he would sit at home and do the work set with no problem. It was in years 8 and 9 that we started to notice he was struggling. James had really low self-esteem and started to self-harm – something a teacher alerted us to. He could get really angry and become quite volatile, throwing things around. But then he would be instantly remorseful and we would be sat on the floor having a good cry and a cuddle together.
At school he also started becoming quite disruptive in class and would be sent to stand outside or sit in the headmaster’s office. In hindsight, these interventions only made things worse.
What was your experience getting a diagnosis?
It was a teacher who suggested we should get James assessed as she suspected ADHD. The NHS waiting time was a few years long and as James was about to start his GCSE year we didn’t feel we had time to wait. Luckily, we were in a position to have a private assessment. We still had to wait four months, but we eventually got the diagnosis that James has ADHD, with ODD alongside it, which we have since learnt can be quite common.
How did you feel when James was diagnosed?
Honestly, we were relieved. Obviously, you feel for them but once we knew what we were working with we knew what we needed to do. Knowledge is power. We’re also well aware that school isn’t a place where James was going to thrive. We now know that it just isn’t the right environment for him. Put him on a rugby pitch, or give him a practical project and he nails it every time. We knew what his strengths were and together we focused on these.
What support did you get from James secondary school?
Once we had the diagnosis we worked with the school to put a plan in place. We assumed we were in good hands as the school had a dedicated SEN department. It turns out it wasn’t much help. It was very much left to us to make suggestions as to how to ensure James could cope with school. What we found was that every action they took just exasperated the situation even more.
They made James sit at the front of the class so he could concentrate more, but with his ADHD and ODD, this just made him feel worse. He felt safer and better able to focus if he sat at the back, but they ignored our requests for this. He would become restless at school and get into trouble. As punishment they used to send him off-site to another school for one day a week. This is where things really went from bad to worse.
The school he was sent to was part of the same academy, but it didn’t have a good reputation. James felt vulnerable and anxious every time he went there. Putting James in a new and unfamiliar environment just made his self-esteem lower and made the situation we were in even more complex.
When did you decide to homeschool James?
I dropped him off to the other school one day and he was in tears. He really didn’t want to go. He felt sick, anxious and the whole thing stressed him out. Obviously as a parent you know you have to follow the rules. The rules said James had to go to school, so that’s what we did. I came home after dropping him off and I was so upset. At the time we had a cleaner who saw me, sat me down and told me she had been watching us for a while and recognised signs that were similar to her own son. I soon found out that she had pulled her son out of school for exactly the same reasons and was homeschooling him.
She introduced me to the concept of homeschooling, directed me to some useful websites and we started to consider the idea. I wasn’t sure if it would be possible. At the time, my husband and I were both running very busy businesses and we didn’t know if we would be able to manage homeschooling as well.
The more I read about it, and the more I spoke to people, the more I realised there are so many resources available and that homeschool has such a big community now. It was ticking a lot of boxes and we had to give it a go. I organised everything and signed up with a tutor before we told James. I wasn’t sure how he would react.
As soon as we told him that we were going to give the homeschool route a try we immediately saw the weight lift from his shoulders. It’s been the best decision we could have made. James is back to being a happy, thriving teenager. He gets on with the work he needs to get done and I have my son back.
What advice would you give to other parents considering homeschool for the same reasons?
One size doesn’t fit all, and school isn’t the right environment for everyone. Look into all the options and explore what is right for you and your family. I found lots of valuable information and resources through Home Education Essex and HEFA UK.
Everyone will have an opinion on homeschooling, but you must do what is right for your child.
What advice would you give to another parent who has a child with ADHD and ODD?
Trust your instincts as a parent. When teachers were giving us all sorts of advice, I knew my son best, and I knew what was right for him. Sometimes you have to go along with the system for a while to try, but if it’s not working, suggest alternative solutions. We found that the school didn’t really come up with any alternative ways of working so we had to explore other options and suggest different ways of doing things ourselves.
It’s also really important to focus on your child’s strengths and celebrate their achievements together. James is a great and highly competitive sportsperson. He comes alive on a rugby pitch and is an exceptional team player. He’s also been part of the Army Cadets for a long time and is a scout leader. He is great with the younger children and really enjoys coaching them. For us, it isn’t all about exam grades.
Most importantly, don’t give up. If we don’t fight for our kids, who will?
What does the future look like for James?
We have just signed James up for his exams. He will take five GCSE’s this academic year. Obviously, we want him to do well, but there is no pressure on James. As long as he does his best, we’re happy with that. There is a lot of pressure on our kids to get the best exam grades, but what do they really mean? We’re very aware that some of the best and most successful businesspeople in the world have a neurodiverse condition so we don’t focus on grades too much.
After his GCSE’s, James is considering the apprenticeship route or going to college. Looking forward after that, James is going to rule the world! James is desperately hungry for success and won’t settle for anything less – that’s the ADHD in him. He’s hugely motivated and I can see him running his own business, probably something to do with computers. Watch this space!
*The names in this blog have been changed to protect the identity of the family.
Statistics show that there is an increase in homeschooling in the UK. Dr Sona Kaur speaks to many parents dealing with ADHD and ODD diagnosis, learn more about parent stories here.
