Dr Sona Kaur – Q&A
As a psychologist specialising in ADHD, my aim is to provide a supportive platform where parents can share their experiences, challenges, and successful strategies. I believe that by fostering open dialogue, we can create a community where individuals facing similar situations feel understood and empowered. In this series of Q&As, we delve into the real-life experiences of different parents, starting with our conversation with Jo Boxer, a parent of two children diagnosed with ADHD. Join us as we explore Jo’s journey and gain valuable insights into managing ADHD within the family dynamic:
Jo Boxer runs her own creative agency and has two children with diagnosed ADHD. Zachary (aged 11) and Adeline (aged 8). Her son also has also been diagnosed with Autism. In the first of our interview series, Jo explains how her children present very different behaviours of ADHD and shares her experience of navigating through their diagnosis and what this means for their family.
When did you realise your children were showing signs of ADHD and autism?
With both children, we didn’t realise they had ADHD until they started school. Zachary’s teacher suggested we might want an assessment as he was showing some ADHD and Autistic behaviours in the classroom. Zachary had some health issues as a baby, he was a bit slower than his peers to start speaking and needed a bit more supporting to climb and jump. We put this down to him to being quite poorly prior. He also didn’t show much interest in his toys and loved to play with switches and keys but he was a happy, engaged baby, therefor no real red flags for us.
With Adeline, the experience was different. After Zachary we were confident, we knew everything about ADHD and autism. They have very different personalities and Adeline was showing very different behaviours, which we now know were still ADHD tendencies, but not the same ones as Zachary.
Adeline happily played for hours, she was a good sleeper and ate well. She was really engaged in reading, learning and drawing. It wasn’t until she reached year one at school that we started to spot signs and the school advised us to get a diagnosis. Although she struggled to sit still and sit with us at the dining table, she is academically capable, held a good conversation and so the signs were harder to spot. When they’re little, you often question what’s genetics and what’s ADHD.
Tell us more about the process of getting a diagnosis
The first steps were to complete a form, and the school had to fill a section in as well. We then saw a practitioner before a long two-year wait for assessments and then getting a diagnosis.
Did you tell your children that they were undergoing assessments and diagnosis?
They were both quite happy and blissfully unaware, so we didn’t feel the need to tell them. Once we had the diagnosis, the advice for Zachary was to try medication, so then we needed to have the conversation with him.
We talk about it openly at home and call ADHD their superpower. They understand that they need to do things a particular way at school, but at home we celebrate their differences and strengths because it makes them who they are.
How did you feel about the diagnosis?
It was really hard. Even though we knew what the diagnosis was going to be, you still have this feeling in the pit of your stomach. You go through all the motions, questioning things and the choices you made as a parent.
You worry about how their life is going to be. You just want the best for your child but at the same time I knew that a diagnosis was going to help us get the right support in place. We feel so much more positive about things now. Knowledge is certainly power.
What are your feelings towards giving your children medication for their ADHD?
Giving them medication is something that I struggle with. Zachary initially took it because that’s what the Doctor advised us to do, and we did notice his progress at school improved. Then someone suggested we take him off it at the weekend, so we tried this. However, all the emotions and energy he stored up during the week while taking the medication then exploded at home during the weekends. We also found that the medication supressed his personality. Zachary is a really funny, silly, confident person, and when he’s on the medication it changes him.
He’s back on it now as he has exams coming up and he feels it helps so we have to go with that. I do feel like we medicate him to fit in with the school system, and really it should be the other way around.
Adeline hasn’t taken it. Academically she can achieve what she needs to get through school without it. However, now she is nearly nine, we are going to let her try some medication to see how she feels and whether it benefits her. There is no right or wrong when it comes to medication. It’s what feels right for you and your family. No one can tell you otherwise.
Where have you found useful information?
We have done so much research, learnt from doctors, watched videos, been on courses and attended countless presentations. We’ve also had a lot of advice and support from Dr Kaur and follow her tips on social media. We have a good sense of what we should be doing and work really hard to implement those tools into our everyday life. We’re still very much learning as we go and it’s a little bit of trial and error.
What support have you received through their school?
Our school have been wonderfully supportive, and they really understand the different needs of both children. We have quarterly meetings to discuss their progress. They have different types of interventions and get taken out of the classroom for one-to-one time along with afterschool tuition. They sometimes use fidget toys to help them concentrate.
Zachary has SATs exams coming up and will get additional time to complete the tests and have a reader to help. The school have recognised when he needs additional support, as well as when they can strip things back to help him become more independent. There was a time when he became so used to the LSA explaining things after the teacher had set the work that he wouldn’t listen to the teacher. They recognised when it was time to encourage him to do more for himself.
Even though Adeline is academically more capable, she struggles with focus and paying attention if there is too much information. The school help this by breaking her work down into smaller chunks so it’s not too overwhelming.
We didn’t go down the route of putting together an EHC plan as the school already had an LSA in place to help so we didn’t feel the need to. In hindsight, we should have done this. Having an EHC plan gives the children preference over which secondary school they want to attend and other funding to help. I would encourage anyone in the same position to get the plan in place as it does help further down the line.
Do they find school challenging?
In my opinion, the current school system is not designed for neurodiverse children. It doesn’t allow them to bring their true strengths and interests to the table. At school you have to do certain things to tick certain boxes when it comes to academic development. It isn’t necessarily suited to different skill sets and ways of thinking. In that respect, the children can find elements of school challenging, it’s like trying to fit square pegs into round holes.
What tools and tactics do the children have and use to help them with their day?
Our children thrive on structure. Zachary has a chart he refers to in order to make sure he has done everything. We have a strict routine in the morning and he’s much more capable now of getting on with what he needs to do. Adeline likes to know what she is doing and what’s coming up so she has a calendar.
We get them ready separately in the morning. Zachary gets up and eats breakfast before getting dressed for school. Adeline gets ready first. If they meet, they tend to lose focus, so we keep a strict routine.
We’re really careful with the amount of screen time everyone has. At the weekend we turn the wi-fi off after 11am. For children with ADHD, being outside and in nature is everything. Back in the 80’s and 90’s when we were growing up, we were out playing in the street with our friends, learning to compromise and how to cope in different situations. We got our dopamine hit from doing that. It doesn’t happen so much now, they go to school and come home like coiled springs – they need to do something to release that energy.
Both children have found different ways of sleeping. Zachary likes to listen to music as he goes to sleep and rubs his hands to help calm him. Adeline loves to sit and draw in bed with an audio story playing in the background.
Your son is moving to secondary school in September, how does he / you feel about this?
We talk about the transition a lot at home and we’re really open about the changes coming up. We discuss how secondary school might be more challenging and the need to work a bit harder. It’s also really exciting for Zachary because there are going to be so many subjects that really interest him, such as technology, the engineering side, and all the clubs he can get involved in.
As a parent you obviously worry and have concerns. We did lots of research on our local schools and the SENCO departments, looking at the type of support available for him. We spoke to parents about how they feel the sense of kindness and wellbeing is within the school because ultimately, we just want him to feel safe and happy.
Zachary really likes the school he has chosen is excited about it, but he’s also very emotional because it’s going to be a huge change for him, leaving the school he has been to for the last seven years and feels safe in.
How will the school help manage this transition?
The new school will invite us in for a discussion about how they will support Zachary and what they can put in place to help. Zachary will very much be part of those discussions too.
I had concerns about his handwriting, but the school have said he can have a laptop. For secondary school its more about the ideas and understanding so they are happy for him to write it on a computer if that’s easier for him, which is really reassuring for me.
We’ll need to put in place small changes at home to help Zachary be more organised and more accountable for what he needs to do. Things like packing his school bag the night before rather than scrambling around in the morning looking for things. We always do homework on a Sunday and I’m hoping this won’t change, depending on how much work there is to do. It’s important that we keep the structure and routine.
What sort of activities do your children enjoy doing?
Our home is a beautiful chaos. We try to encourage the children to do the things they love and get real enjoyment from without restricting them too much. We’re still learning on the job but we have a much better sense now of what type of situations will work for us, and which ones won’t.
We try to get outdoors as much as we can. We’re big cyclists so spend a lot of time out on our bikes. We’ve started playing badminton as a family. We also encourage the children to do active classes, so Zachary does jujitsu and Adeline attends dance classes.
What does the future look like for your children?
I think the world is becoming more open and aware of neurodiversity and what it means. Zachary will absolutely make his mark somewhere! He won’t follow the normal, expected routes, and I imagine that he will work in technology, or something to do with engineering. He has such confidence that anything is possible.
Adeline is really creative. She spends hours drawing and designing fabulous clothes so maybe she will get into the fashion industry. I’m curious to see if either of them will want to work for other people or will do better working for themselves, to their own rules. I’m so proud of them and can’t wait to see what they achieve. Watch out world!
Can you share any advice for other parents navigating the same journey?
It is tough at times, and it can be hard to see your kids working so much harder than others. The initial diagnosis was difficult, but you come through the other side. Consume as much information as you can but ultimately choose to navigate this journey in your own way, doing what’s right and best for them and your family. For us that’s having structure and being outdoors getting exercise. Put the best things in place for them, not just academically but for their wellbeing too, because if they are happy, the rest will come.
The world is much more prepared for neurodiverse kids nowadays and the opportunities available to them will be just the same as anyone else. If everybody was as kind as most of the neurodiverse children that I know, then the world would be a much better place.
If you think your child might have ADHD, autism or have any other concerns, contact Dr Sona Kaur to discuss further.
